Currie's Gratitude 30 November 2012

Sometimes it seems I should already know something

When I first realise it

Yet I don’t [didn’t]

MayBE it is like that saying about the student and teacher

The first BEing ready

The latter appearing…

I feel reflective and mayBE even a little expansive this early morning. It was a strange sleep, yet again, and I leaned into that strangeness rather than trying to outrun it, avoid it, or simply deny it was what it was.

In the course of the Day that was Yesterday [a statement which could BE true any morning when I come here to write] I had realisations about Life, about WHY ____, and about myself. The trifecta some might say…

One thing I realised was that I am scared and I am going to take care of myself and that scaredness.

Another was that it is less about my wanting what I think I want and more wanting just to BE seen, heard, and known. I don’t want to throw myself up in anyone’s face or to jump up and down in desperation to BE noticed. Still, those are two things that aptly describe me.

And the last, though NOT in any way least thing is that I am so darned amazed at what I have done, am DOing.

Can I say that?!

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 29 November 2012

Everyday

Everything I DO

Every success and failure

I learn

Something

And usually it’s wonderFULL

I’m NOT at all sure how this might play for anyone else, I am only certain of how it plays for me. Learning is The Point of Everything.

It’s NOT to learn thus BEcome smarter. Nor is it to learn so I can get the upper hand. It is just learning for learning’s sake. I have always loved it and I likely will pursue it until that time when I am no more.

My teaching days reveal this in an unusual way. I go in, prepared, knowing what I am wanting to get across so that I can stay awake and aware of the learning. And this never disappoints. What I learned, yesterday for example, puts things into a whole new perspective.

That is what I love so about learning. The constant shift and unfolding. I am never EVER “done” and I have no desire to EVER BE “perfect.” I live always in a learning mode, I practise and practise and practise yet some more.

The kids yesterday taught me what I love about teaching and they also let me glimpse what I don’t so much. I would have preferred the former and none of the latter, yet the thing about learning is…

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 28 November 2012

What I really want

It is so simple

[and I fear too simple]

I am afraid to ask for it

This is what goes on BEtween my ears somedays. Realisations. Seeing What Is for what it is. Looking it straight in the eyes. Fearlessly. [or at least intending to BE]

One of the things about me that feels like we just met is really something I’ve known for decades. It is my habit of upping the ante, always raising the bar, and making sure I never quite measure up.

When will I stop?! When will I say WHEN?!

Here is an example: I was writing last week about the work I want to DO with Ticket-To-Work. I wrote that I would love to rock babies. I would love that. Something so simple. So enJOYable. For me. For the babies, too…

Instead, what I DO is create a busy and dizzying description of working in a school as a resource sort of person.

Why is it I canNOT allow myself to say “THIS IS WHAT I WANT. WHAT I REALLY WANT is to rock babies.”

For whatever reason or conglomeration of justifications, excuses, and long-winded explanations, I think I need to DO more than what I really want. This is mind-boggling and makes me want to shake myself sometimes…

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 27 November 2012

So what if others laugh

Ridicule

Call you names

Listening to yourself

Knowing what you need

WHEN you need it

This is an art

I’ve long been one who pushes through, goes to the point of exhaustion and then uses that to justify DOing something else that I know better than to DO. And the cycle starts. Push, Regret, Ignore.

I think that this is how I have managed to NOT realise so many of my dreams and goals. Pushing past where I needed to stop. To rest. To recharge…

And it is NOT just the DOing of things that brings this cycle into action. It is my thinkingandfeeling, my focus, my OVER-focusing on what is really marginal and insignificant. I think somewhere along the line I woke up to realise that I had just adopted some really skewed and [to me] insignificant priorities.

So again my learning is all about Letting Go. Giving myself over and into that Next Right Thing rather than repeating the pattern that squeezes my toes.

How is it that I didn’t even feel the pinch BEfore Now?! Was I asleep or is this some wild and crazy fad that I am passing through, realising so much I stood upon, firmly, was nothing more than a pile of dust?!

Hmmmmmmm… I DO know

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 26 November 2012

Even though it is hard

[harder than I would have imagined]

And I would like the chance to fiddle it different

When I can accept what has happened

Only that one thing

Makes everything a little sweeter.

I’m guessing if I could BE in a peace summit with anyone from my “failed” past relationships, nothing would BE able to change BEyond Acceptance. Mine. Whatever they might think [or NOT think] is irrelevant. All of that is just the story in my head anyway…

Still, I spend an immense amount of creative energy thinking how things could have been different. Sometimes “if only I…” or “if that had been instead of what was…” And other times with a certainty that startles me with how seriously it takes itself. [how seriously I take MYself…]

The Gratitude in this whole mess is that I can SEE it Now. Without ridicule. Or rancor. Even without shame. What a gift it is to BE clearer than I was. Even a moment ago.

Little things seem to BE floating up into view for me, catching me, sometimes, totally by surprise. Moving me ever so gently BEyond wishing. Settling me, comfortably, in a delicious chair where Acceptance wraps itself round me like a hug.

Whenever I feel that old pull Now… I reach for Acceptance.

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 25 November 2012

I think I can…

Fly

Soar

Take flight

BEyond rainbows

Past Oz

To where dreaming is simply

Living My Life.

While I DO allow that thoughts are powerfully creative, I also know that despite rumours to the contrary, just thinking it will NEVER make it so. For instance, my Life’s Practise of rearranging the Past. Think it this way or that, round that bend or up that tree, the Past is what it is: Over. Done. Utterly unchangeable. [though that hasn’t seemed to stop me trying!!!]

On the other hand, thinking about where I am Now, where this is on the way TO, that is one of the things thinking is Very Good & Useful For. When I look backward from where I AM and see the path that brought me Here, Now, it BEcomes Very Clear that EVERYthing is a choice, a decision, and even a gift. There is a logic to it. An order despite the seeming chaos.

As 2012 is winding to a close it is energising and even exciting to look back, to see how things played out and wove themselves together in a fashion and pattern I’d NEVER have imagined yet clearly chose. I love that I canNOT rewrite the Past BEcause, well, BEcause it’s just exquisite.

As it is.

As it was.

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 24 November 2012

What will you remember…

That I was kind

That I BElieved you

That I BElieved IN you

That I stayed

Waited

As long as it took???

Or

That I was inconsistent

That I could BE impatient

That when I was hurt I cried

Withdrew

Until I could stand again

On my own???

Some mornings, especially dark ones, ones where it is quite chilly here in the Wee Cottage, it seems almost silly that I get up long BEfore the dawn. Even sillier is that I intend to write and tap that into the reservoir that is Me BEfore the little voice inside me starts her editing and red-lining.

This morning I thought I pushed it a bit too far. A nice hot shower first thing. By the time I sat down to write, the old birdbrain was sparking on all cylinders. And still, When You Remember Me… made it as today’s writing prompt.

YIKES!!!

This one was a line in a song. I don’t even know which song or who it was singing, the thing was it just jumped up and called me out. As though there were no other choice. Sit down. Write. See what happens. Just, whatever you DO, DO NOT think about this too much.

Somedays are just like this. And it’s how I BEgin…

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 23 November 2012

Gratitude?!

Forgiveness?!

Acceptance?!

One or two or all three… and that changes EVERYthing.

I spent a quiet and deLIGHTfull Thanksgiving here at the Wee Cottage. Gracie and me. Simple. Easy. A day in the midst of a week in the midst of a month in the midst of a year like no other.

It’s been growing on me, unfolding and unpacking itself, and Now it’s pretty much just the How It Is and How I Roll. I love this Life. As it is. As it is NOT. As it was. As I recall it. And as I’ve forgotten, Let Go, and simply released it.

And here’s what I know today that I didn’t know until I knew it:

[In fact until I knew it BEcause it grabbed my attention like when you almost fall after tripping over some something but miraculously catch yourself FIRST… BEfore it’s too late…]

My Life Has Been And Continues To BE An Extraordinary Gift.

So much that I thought I needed to HAVE. Needed to BE. Needed to DO Life… turns out it’s only what I thought, what I assumed, and even what I was taught. [and despite learning it, well, I can Now easily, graciously, Let It GO]

All I need is what is, what I have. And that?! That changes EVERYthing.

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 22 November 2012

What are the questions you’d ask

[were you wondering why]

Someone who no longer loved you

Who seemed to have deleted you

Entirely…

There is a deal I’ve made with myself about my morning writing practise. If something is on my mind, if I wake up with something clearly feeling “up” for me, I write about it. I think this might BE why somedays I have tried to pick something ahead of time. [BEcause really, it’s so messy sometimes showing up here out loud, as just ME…]

So these lyrics. From a song that has played on Pandora. I didn’t even know what song it is, who the artist is. Thanks to Googling “am I not pretty enough” I discovered it is Kasey Chambers and the song is Am I Not Pretty Enough. And when I pulled up the lyrics I was, honestly embarrassed.

So Now you know that my thoughts don’t run so deep. That sometimes I am still no more nor less than a BEwildered girl. Full of insecurities and BElieving I NEED someone else to approve of and love me.

BUT…

What I know is that these words and thoughtsandfeelings are clear indication that I am coming to a deeper place of understanding what drives me. What makes me go.

I’m NOT so complicated. REALLY…

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 21 November 2012

If you want the BIG fish you have to get into deeper water

You have to BE braver

Take your chances

And THINK…

I’m not much of a fisherperson. Never have been really. It has seemed always to require the sort of effort I find to BE too ambitious. For ME.

And yet sometimes I want to “catch the BIG fish” in my Life. When I have a dream that asks me to get out into the deep water I almost always hesitate and then leap, toes and fingers crossed, willing the whatever to smile favourably on me.

Lately I have been looking at that practise. Asking myself if it’s really how I want to proceed. This means I need to take a little more time. Wait. Pause. And just Allow Life to peel itself back enough for me to get the perspective I need.

Since I sold GraceLand and BEcame a bus-person and walker, I have slowed way way waaaaaaaaaaaaaay down in my leaping. Most of what I hurried to DO and the stuff I felt I HAD TO, as in I MUST-DO!!! wasn’t necessary. NOT really. My brain tries, still, to convince me otherwise, but Now, when I canNOT just GO or DO I almost always get that it’s a gift.

Catching BIG Fish?! Deeper water.

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 20 November 2012

when you don’t forget yourself

[or just canNOT bear to even once again…]

and instead remember

who you are

[and how]

you’ll discover you really can fly over that rainbow.

It is much easier to forget than it is to remember. I think it is, anyway. To play in that small little box of comfortable and familiar. To build up my walls and keep myself safe, above the fray.

BUT…

I’m actually quite tired of that. Tired of safe and secure and predictable. Especially when it comes to love. To expressing it. To showing it out loud [where I may still BE rejected or simply tossed aside] no matter the cost.

What is pride and saving my face if I canNOT look myself in the eyes?! If I canNOT grow BEyond this cozy little meadow with its butterflies and sweet flowers blowing on the morning’s breeze?!

It’s just so much nothing that matters [at least to me] as much as I might assume. It is good to stretch and to get uncomfortable. And a little regularly, too. BEcause Life is for growing. Growth.

We don’t stop growing BEcause we’re mayBE as tall as we’ll ever BE. [and some of us growing shorter] Or BEcause we’re grown-ups. Old. [older than young in any case]

Remember: We keep growing. Forever.

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 19 November 2012

BEing

BEcoming

These don’t happen all at once

Or for once and for all

They keep pace with the sun

In a time I can’t measure

It is a curious thing how things converge and hold sway. How ideas, like fireflies, light, then move on. How what I used to feel I MUST capture Now, I realise, is meant simply to enJOY. To experience.

Recent reading brought me back to a passage from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams.

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful…

This is the way of the grandest bits of Life. Sometimes it is the Very Best Ever Things which hurt. Which make me, anyway, want to quit. To say ENOUGH!!!!! And then, from the Wherever I Am I look back to Somewhere Else I Was and I see it…

I’ve BEcome…

MayBE I’ve BEcome more real or more accomplished or more relaxed or just more simple. That last I love especially much. BEing more simple. Which also means, mostly, LESS Complicated. More ME…

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 18 November 2012

And trust it to know your heart.

BElieve it is Benevolent

That it cares without limit

About you.

There you go…

Seems I am in a reflective space lately. Reaching back into the bag of the Past. Follow the bouncing ball, such a funny thing to remember, actually.

Mitch Miller. Hootenanny, [sp?!] and something else that’s too slippery to wrap my little brain round this morning.

Just follow the bouncing ball and anything is possible. Anything can BE.

MayBE.

How much of my one precious Life have I spent thinking I needed to KNOW BEfore I got there?! How much did I assume I was supposed to have experience BEfore I’d even tried a thing?! I know a lot. A whole lot of Life that will never ever come again.

MayBE this is why I love to learn. To discover. Experiment. Find out what happens if… and what else happens if… after that?!

Mornings, for me, are all about following the bouncing ball. From the time I wake and get up to see if it’s time to get the day rolling until Gracie and I head out for Morning Adventure. Writing. Digital fiddling. Writing. Copy and paste and send. Copy and paste and post. Digital fiddling. Writing. Post. And so it goes…

I just follow that bouncing ball.

I love  you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 17 November 2012

That I never said

Probably BEcause I was wanting NOT to

Disturb

Upset

Bother

Take more of your time…

Mornings here are funny. Odd funny. Peculious funny. Funny in the way that nearly doesn’t register on a laugh-o-meter.

Funny…

This morning was [is] no different. I wake up. Curious. What time is it?! Ahhhhhhh… time to get up. Okay.

And the day BEgins.

This morning I was thinking about a friend who seems to have slipped under the door like the way cartoon characters did, long ago, when I watched cartoons. [mayBE I am remembering a thought and NOT a real thing… but that is the nicest part of morning… it doesn’t matter]

Slipped-away, out of reach, even though I’ve tried reaching. Try, I am finding, like Yoda taught, is nothing. DO or DO NOT… There is no try.

As my sleepy self is DOing morning, many thoughtsandfeelings float up and through my brain. This morning they were all about this friend. About things I want my friend to know. Things I don’t say, haven’t said, BEcause, well, I don’t want to BE a bother, a nuisance, in the way, taking up time, precious time that is so rare a commodity. Time that will never EVER come again. Time I wanted to not waste.

Time I could have…

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 16 November 2012

If you only knew…

How many ways could I complete that sentence?!

How many could YOU?!

I know. It is amazing isn’t it?! One of those things that makes you shake your head hoping to knock loose that incredible storehouse of hesitation in you.

For instance, If you only knew… how much it matters to me that I share this little piece of my writing every day. How it is so NOT about any of the gazillion and eleventy-seven things I’d thought it was.

If you only knew… that with your encouragements I have discovered what flying is. REALLY!!!

When I was writing on this earlier, I just let my sleepy brain partially fill in a bunch of If you only knew… and was utterly undone to discover what floated up. Literally floated up. NOT thought about, considered, or even edited. One bit…

What I know Now, having let these four words in [or is it out?!] is how much of a patchwork my heart is. How much unspokenness there is, despite all my wordswordswords andmorewordsstill. Who lives in me but probably never would have guessed it BEcause of all the If you only knew… I hold onto and fear [or simply refuse] to share out loud.

If you only knew… How would YOU finish that sentence today?!

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 15 November 2012

Hard words to say:

I think it was my mistake

Yet necessary

NOT only BEcause they are brave

BEcause they are true.

Gratitude Practise doesn’t fit onto a piece of paper or computer screen. Isn’t a favourite t-shirt. I can’t wear it or demonstrate it, no matter the ways I put mine out here every day.

My own peculious little Gratitude Practise isn’t a thing I DO that makes me more of an expert in finding things and moments and opportunities for BEing grateful. It’s just my way. That’s all.

My way through Life. And through Life’s little detours, backroads, and pitfalls. Just my way of navigating this wondrous Adventure a little bit more awakened.

Yesterday was a teaching morning and again a challenge, working with new people whose agenda is so different from my own, from what this program was. BEfore. And yet…

As I’m the one who understands the timeframes, I could have handled yesterday’s plan differently. Better. Even more thoughtful of the others.

But I didn’t. NOT purposely, I just didn’t think so well on my feet. In that moment. Aware of the Big[ger] Picture and The Others.

I am grateful I woke up with this awareness. That I could see it, see My Part so clearly. And say:

I think it was my mistake…

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 14 November 2012

I read this

Mostly

Can’t really say I have heard it said

That Said…

What DOES it mean?!

It is a funny way to go through Life, noticing turns of phrase, having an editor living inside somewhere BEtween my brain and eyes who almost NEVER shuts up, and all the while BEing open and willing to read and learn and listen and watch…

That said… Is it a new way of working round the supposed “enemy word” BUT?! MayBE. I can see how it might work, transitionally, better than And, the pretty much generic improvement.

That said ;~D, I still wonder why so many people are using this phrase. I know that when I DO read it, BEcause, frankly, I read far more than I converse these days, I will almost always back up and re-read a bit of what I just read, making sure I got the “THAT” of the “SAID.”

I don’t really mind the phrase. It’s found itself at home in the pile of Things That Distract Me. I mostly don’t like distraction. I like focus and to see where I am, where I am going.

And in a blink something comes clear. The distraction is here, inside the aforementioned nattering editor. I am a noticer, someone who pays attention. That said, what’s my point?!

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 13 November 2012

They tell you it is

MayBE NOT directly

In so-many words

But you know

If you are looking

Listening

Breathing in and out…

I think the hardest part of BEing “different” [which requires a comparison with someone or something else] is the deep down into my very bones feeling I am WRONG. I am unworthy. Too Much. NOT Enough.

Or, most of all, NOT to BE known about.

When there is no interest, [and especially following an extreme and determined interest] a girl can get to feeling all sorts of feelings.

Several of these are merely annoying and bothersome.

Others?!

Well, let’s just turn this corner, shall we?!

BEing different is utterly horrible at certain stages of Life. Especially when the differences are glaring and feeling lit up like a billboard. Especially, too, when all you want to DO is fit in, blend, BE a part of, included, wanted, perhaps the one chosen. First. Eagerly. JOYfully.

Still, it’s NOT wrong. NOT necessarily. NOT automatically. NOT REALLY… It is simply Different. MayBE wrapped in other adjectives… unique, original, fascinating, captivating, exceptional, unusually fresh, brilliant, clever, extraordinary… it might go down a whole lot easier.

Winning adjectives and those dark and uglies aside, BEing different makes Life interesting. There is no trail to follow. Only adventures that leave a path…

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 12 November 2012

enJOY the way the clouds dance in the sky

or the rain as it blows sideways

enJOY the questions even without answers

and the deLIGHT of discovering

what if.

Life is, well, it’s confusing. We come into it with all we require to LIVE in it, yet much of what we have we don’t use, don’t know HOW TO use, and miss the cues about WHEN to use it.

That’s confusing.

So it seems the trick is in the approach. MY approach. YOURS. Even both of us together.

What I am choosing, at least at this Time in MY Life is to enJOY EVERYthing. [and BElieve me, it’s really stretching me a LOT of the time]

I am enJOYing the way I get myself tangled up in thoughtsandfeelings that seem only to BE festering.

I am enJOYing the extraordinary deLIGHT of quiet and peace and the pleasure of just my own company most of the time. Right Now.

I am enJOYing the challenges that come with a wheel-free [or is it wheel-less?!] Life.

I am enJOYing the ease of eating and drinking only what is truly nourishing and good for ME.

I am enJOYing the way I approach things. Especially how my approach can BE convoluted. And then, suddenly, in a blink, I see!!!

I am enJOYing… EVERYthing!!!

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 11 November 2012

Is it?!

Is it so important that I get what I think I want?!

Is it so important that anyone acknowledge…

enJOY…

Or is it quite enough

That it is at all?!

Sometimes I have to interrupt myself. It’s one of those things peculiar about living one’s Life in Solitude. I can go on with a thought or a feeling or, yes, a tumble of thoughtsandfeelings, yet without anyone else to “push off from” or to challenge me, I’ve discovered I also need to step in and interfere with my own tra la la’ing.

It happens pretty frequently. And it happened just yesterday. This is the seed, the heart of my Gratitude today. That I ask the questions, the ones I am so glad I don’t have anyone else asking me BEcause I would likely snap and snark and generally make them sorry they’d uttered a word in my direction…

I ask them of myself. And then I wait. Listening. Creating a safe space for my answer to float up into view.

Is it so important… or is it merely what I would like?!

Is it so important… or would in BE nice?!

A person on her own path can sometimes get lost in the trees, turned round, unsure of the way she came in or how to…

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 10 November 2012

Always

Even if you REALLY don’t BElieve it

It’s up to YOU [ME]

Each one of us

And knowing this can give us wings.

I’ve NOT been much of a Believer in myself. Perhaps at times I was cocky, arrogant, even full of myself, yet I’ve never really BElieved that things were in my hands, heart, and mind. I allowed Life to happen to me. I spent my Life and days reacting.

The thing I know Now is that BEfore I knew it was up to me I was happy to play the victim, the one to whom things happened, willy-nilly.

I am grateful that I could Let Go of that way of BEing and seeing My Life.

I am grateful for all the wrongheadedness and spinning around thinkering. I am grateful I could keep myself open to a new discovery.

Knowing this, Now, makes my Life richer. I mightn’t BE rich, yet I live extravagantly. Bodaciously!! Simply BEcause I choose to. BEcause I CAN!!!

I should probably add that this awareness wrapped up inside realisation wasn’t the biggest package under the tree. Nor was it wrapped all fancy-shmancy with ribbons and bows. It was just a quiet little box. With a quietish bit of a glow. That much I CAN say. Otherwise, a very simple little box…

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 9 November 2012

Most days

Were I to follow

A rule of thumb

For Life

For simply living it

And BEing in it

I’d choose

BE Light & deLIGHT

Only every single time

I realise that Life really is up to me. I mean, I can ALWAYS choose my attitude, adjust my thinking, and honour my feelings. BEyond that, what is there?!

I am consistently choosing to BE a simpler person Now. At this passage and in this time of my Life, all I want is what comes, even when what comes is NOT what I think [or thought] I want[ed].

Standing outside and looking in I might call me a tad bit delusional. I mean, after all… ;~D

You see, this has always, ALWAYS and in ALL WAYS, shapes, and forms, been the truth. I had the choice, I made my choice, and oftentimes I blamed you or them, he, she, or it for the lousy outcomes. The good ones?! Well, I might’ve attributed that to someone or something else, but if I am honest I have to say I took the credit. Mostly…

What I notice, Now, is that BEing Light and my intention focused upon creating/bringing deLIGHT pretty much keep Life and Me in the Land of Simplicity.

I wish I’d known this sooner… Glad I know Now.

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 8 November 2012

What is Right Now

Really and so truly

This is always enough

It is ridiculously easy to lean into MORE. To always keep utter and complete JOY just BEyond reach with that devilish habit of MORE. I canNOT fathom, well, I could NOT fathom that changing. Really. NOT one tiny smidgen of a bit.

Until…

Something happened in me, or mayBE it was through me?! anyway…

It was just a whisper at first. Something I barely noticed and simply could NOT acknowledge. BEyond internally Letting Go of all that I’d so carefully organised and packed away into storage.

For “when I got settled” in my new home.

And here’s the thing about “when I get settled” thinking: it NEVER EVER happens the way I envision it. It was two years plus AFTER I had moved and lived here in the Wee Cottage that it occurred to me that I was settled, and happy, and what I had was even too much…

Things seemed like they would make me happier, and I’d held onto those things BEcause they held what I thought was happiness. MayBE they did, and mayBE I would really love that tiny photo of Timmy in the little gold frame, but I don’t NEED it for it to bring me JOY…

Grateful… THIS is Always ENOUGH.

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 7 November 2012

It is always a risk

Love

ALWAYS

Yet more than that

Love is a gift

One that is meant to

Give as well as receive

Easily

Quickly

There is this wonderment in me somedays, where I ponder whether I will love again. I mean, that sort of Love, NOT the love that is as essential to me as breathing. And while I have heard the “arguments” for it, where I am Right Now is happy without it. Very happy. Exponentially happier than at any of those in love times that dot the landscape of my Life.

This makes perfect sense, yet it causes me to wonder if I am BEing too quick to dismiss the possibility of something simply BEcause: A. it hurt so much when I lost it, NOT just the last time, but all the times BEfore; and B. I canNOT deny that I am happier in this part of my Journey than at any time prior…

Of course, this makes it sound like Love, that sort of Love, is a commodity one can pick up at the market.

I am thinking that it matters little what I imagine myself choosing about this. The point of Life is Love and loving quickly hasn’t much at all to DO with that sort of Love anyway. No, Really…

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 6 November 2012

Nothing more to BE said

Nor done

There is nothing to fix

Or understand

It is

And that is enough.

If there is one thing about me I wish I could harness and make work “for good” it is my incessant and persistent desire to rewrite the Past. I feel like the speaker at the podium with at least a hundred more dog-eared page markers. The overtly frustrated Yes, But person who canNOT embrace much less accept reality’s realness.

Sometimes there is simply NOTHING. Nothing more to say. Nothing more required. Zero. Zip. Nada. Zilch.

And even though I DON’T think that this part of me will probably EVER go away completely, I am grateful.

MayBE grateful to see it and know it and call it mine, ME, and a part of Who I Am.

It is a thing that can BE strengthened and it absolutely DOES have a place, even if NOT the someplace it defaults to.

As a writer, I’ve rarely felt anything at all like a desire to write fiction. This has often puzzled me. Why, I wonder, if I have such a “penchant” for rewriting history DO I NOT channel it into story-telling?!

I don’t have an answer other than it just isn’t how it unpacks itself in me. It’s NOT how I roll…

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 5 November 2012

If anyone were to trust me

Or count on me to come through

And to BE there

I would NOT want

To NOT

I can make myself a little crazy somedays. What the gist of today’s writing is about is DOing What I Say I Will DO. BEcause, you see, if I am going to the trouble of saying I will DO a thing, of telling someone I will DO that thing, it will make me crazy NOT to.

Why crazy, you ask?!

Only BEcause it has always made ME crazy when someone says and doesn’t DO.

This is getting more convoluted by the second. Sorry…

I am grateful, really, that I DO what I say I will DO. That when I don’t DO what I said I would DO, nothing’s quite right.

BEing able to count on someone, to trust their word, this is an iceberg of disappointment in my Life. People often will say exactly what I want to hear, and then, in the blink of hearing them say so, I jump immediately to trusting. And you know what?! Mostly people DON’T DO what they said.

This is NOT an indictment, only an observation.

This is NOT a complaint, only a mile-marker for keeping my own word.

DO WHAT YOU SAY/SAID YOU WILL/WOULD DO.

Yes… DO.

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 4 November 2012

Moving from one place

Or part of Life

To another means

There’s a BEtween

Or a hallway

When we can enJOY those

We win in ways unimaginable

I am grateful for all that I have been given and all that I have Let Go. In particular in the past 6 years. 2006 was a year of Change for me that, frankly, I did NOT even see until mayBE 2010 or 2011. And then I dared only to glimpse it. I wouldn’t look at it straight on. I kept trying to find what would make it blend in and BE seamless. Never did manage that…

I have learned to love and truly enJOY the hallways of my Life.

I have grown to embrace the in BEtweens.

I am grateful for my resistance and unwillingness. Both of these taught me things about my character I couldn’t have known without the toll they took.

BEfore I would have been content with settling for a squashed-down version of Life. And while I’d NOT have seen it that way, or at least I don’t think I would have, I could have gone on that way, indefinitely.

I think.

MayBE I am wrong, yet I shall never know. Curious thing, eh?!

EnJOYing hallways is embracing everything and everyone without hesitation, contemplation, or rearranging anything.

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 3 November 2012

Travelling light

Staying open to possibility

And making it up as I go along.

There are so many little things I have taken for granted. Assumed. Projected. And it never fails to completely unDO me when I see it. Especially when I see it come apart. Or down round me.

When I get into a way of BEing, thinking I’ve got all my “cards” aligned and situated, Life comes along and laughs it all away. Sometimes this is so unexpected…

Others, well, NOT so much.

A long many years ago Now, I was walking on a dark country road with a friend. [we were so brilliant, at 18, thinking ourselves invincible…] I remember her saying, We live in a society of transience, mobility, and change. And, thinking myself clever, I agreed.

And so it has been. Constant as ever.

I’d like to imagine myself as someone who had set goals, worked toward them diligently, and achieved them with great delight. But that’s just NOT been the case, or ME.

I am much more of a responder; and sometimes simply a reactor. Pretty much every chapter of my Life has unfolded in response or reaction to Life’s “transience, mobility, and change.”

Making it up as I go along is how I am holding it. At least Just For Today…

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 2 November 2012

Learning to fly is

An extraordinary way

To live your Life

I am grateful for the Life I have chosen for myself. I so well remember this day six years ago, when it first really dawned on me what I had set in motion. I was still arrogant and oblivious enough to imagine all would “end up” just as I wanted.

And oh… I took myself so very seriously.

Learning to fly is one thing if you are a bird and made meant for flight. It is quite another thing altogether when you are made of oddly mis-matched human parts which never have seemed quite made for you. Perhaps there were some spare parts thrown in, for good measure when your chassis was on the line?!

Possibly…

Learning to fly has come to mean largely learning that faith is everything. I mean completely and only all the time. THAT faith.

I didn’t always love this Life…

And there have been many times when I’d have traded it for another. Even so recently as last week. And mayBE, too, early this morning in the midst of that really creepy dream that woke me up feeling just icky.

Yet it is a really extraordinary Life, mine. It stretches me and fascinates me and I have BEcome someone I REALLYREALLYREALLY like…

I love you, Currie

Currie's Gratitude 1 November 2012

An artist with the soul of a teacher,

I live Right Now in Gratitude.

When I wrote these words I was merely responding to an instruction. I am NOT entirely sure what the purpose was, though I DO recall the challenge. When it came time to have a profile on my blogs, I thought to use it for that. So in a sense, this line opens my profile. In 14 words I have said something about myself as an introduction.

Brevity has NEVER been my strong suit. Perhaps why I choose to contain things in a set number of words. When there is somewhere to aim, for whatever reasons, I find it better with a container. Go figure!

As 2012 is winding down, amazing as that may BE, I am going to use my daily Gratitude practise for sifting and sorting the many BEautimous rocks and shells this year has bestowed. The little lessons that created BIG CHANGES and opened doors I never knew were there, in that hallway where I was, for so very long, standing, in the dark, feeling quite hopeless and rather helpless.

I think in these 14 words I am introducing myself to ME. I can understand WHO I am and HOW to BE, even WHAT to DO simply by leaning into them. Completely…

I love you, Currie