Tuesday, April 14, 2015

14 April 2015


I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you're going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.   [C. JoyBell C.]

I think this is what’s been happening in me. Living each of my days to the fullest, even when the fullest is NOT fun.

I love my hospice people. They encourage me, explain things so I understand what’s going on in my body, and NEVER EVER NOT ONCE have they made me wish I’d just kept my yap shut.

This pain is painful but it’s also something else. It’s a deepening experience of humility. The realisation that this is as much part of Life as anything keeps me from too much moaning. Still, my secret spot has been found. I admit to feeling arrows are BEing thrown at my right shoulder. Even when I know better.

Thanks for listening.


I love you, Currie

Monday, April 13, 2015

13 April 2015


Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.   [C.S. Lewis]

Is it that simple?! I don’t know but it has taken me 4 hours to just get up and DO this. To BEgin it anyway. BEcause, you see, oftentimes it’s as simple as just starting. This is about the worst pain I’ve experienced, and it’s silly. But don’t tell Pain I said so, please.

Isn't it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and view from every angle--it suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key. It's not an act of bitterness. It's an act if self-preservation. It's not always a bad idea to stay behind the window and look out at life instead, is it?   [Ally Condie, First Day]

Staying BEhind, or staying in both reveal their magic to me in myriad ways. Pain seems the WHY of it at Present. Pain that’s just “stupid.” Pain that doesn’t  seem to  let itself make sense.


I love you, Currie

Sunday, April 12, 2015

12 April 2015


Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?   [Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes: Sunday Pages 1985-1995]

MayBE that is a grim opening. For me, it’s clearing the Path. Things are in one of those BIG CHANGE moods, and I find myself having to work 3 times as hard to DO half what I want to DO.

But I wonder, often, how it is that with all the brilliant people who have lived and moved on this Planet of ours, we’ve just never seemed to SEE the most glaring and obvious points of contradiction.

Before you can live a part of you has to die. You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently. You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at that moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours. When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself and others. From this point you will finally be free.   [Shannon L. Alder]

Somedays more than others, I struggle with what I can Let Go, or work out another way of DOing. It’s just that I don’t want to waste the minutes, NOT one.


I love you, Currie

Saturday, April 11, 2015

11 April 2015


Here's why I will be a good person. Because I listen. I cannot speak so I listen very well. I never interrupt, I never deflect the course of the conversation with a comment of my own. People, if you pay attention to them, change the direction of one another's conversations constantly. it's like having a passenger in your car who suddenly grabs the steering wheel and turns you down a side street.   [Garth Stein, The Art of Racing in the Rain]

Dogs are generally wiser than we are. This is something that might BE impossible for some to wrap their heads around. That’s okay. Agreement’s highly overrated.

Chester's playing filled the station. Like ripples around a stone dropped into still water, the circles of silence spread out from the newsstand. And as people listened, a change came over their faces. Eyes that looked worried grew soft and peaceful; tongues left off chattering; and ears full of the city's rustling were rested by the cricket's melody.   [George Selden, The Cricket in Times Square]

I think many of us are scared of silence. Of the places where hush and pause are prevalent. I know it makes me talk too much, wearing my anxiety like a jaunty little cap.

Listening, loving silent spaces, and letting Life BE Life, make us ourselves.


I love you, Currie

Friday, April 10, 2015

10 April 2015


My scars remind me that I did indeed survive my deepest wounds. That in itself is an accomplishment. And they bring to mind something else, too. They remind me that the damage life has inflicted on me has, in many places, left me stronger and more resilient. What hurt me in the past has actually made me better equipped to face the present.   [Steve Goodier]

We got down to some important business on the physical as well the “affairs in order” work yesterday. Had to make an urgent call to hospice. There is this matter of a cough that is making my body feel like it has been bunjee-jumped-on. I lose my breath. It is all rather unattractive, too. Makes me wonder, during this rare time of windows open at night, if I am disturbing my neighbours.

Getting those things moving, coming to a variety of places of Peace with how things seem to BE hurrying themselves up BEfore I was ready. [you know, it was one year ago today when I wrote my Gratitude and shared about the cancer… you’ve all been such remarkable encouragers and kind thoughty friends]

Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.   [José N. Harris]

Life’s precious. Dive in!!!


I love you, Currie

Thursday, April 9, 2015

9 April 2015


Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good.   [Elizabeth Edwards]

This is part of why Resilience found me and BEcame my word for 2015. I’ve done some mind meandering lately [a benefit to pain that keeps me on the bed a lot of the time] and discovered there is more there to understand than I assumed.

Reality, for me, is still shifting, holding me sway, giving me pause, and most of all clearly saying that Life is and CAN BE whatever I make it. Inside of me there is a troubling connection to those words “Life is what you make it.” And then I wrote that. I told YOU. I didn’t hide.

My Life is more and more what I am making it. It’s sometimes heady stuff when people sort of slip and slide in and then magically vanish. My love of Time Together getting a little nagging from the Body and its exquisite pain.

I keep finding room in me to BE more and to BE less. And in that room is most every ME I have ever been.

That’s good.


I love you, Currie

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

8 April 2015


So much of the past in encapsulated in the odds and ends. Most of us discard more information about ourselves than we ever care to preserve. Our recollection of the past is not simply distorted by our faulty perception of events remembered but skewed by those forgotten. The memory is like twin orbiting stars, one visible, one dark, the trajectory of what's evident forever affected by the gravity of what's concealed.   [Sue Grafton, O is for Outlaw]

Even if I try really hard, there’s a LOT of what I once knew that escapes me Now. That is inconvenient in myriad ways. At least until I realise that memory, information, and even simple statistics are no more Present Tense than what I see and feel and hear and touch and taste.

This stretch is harder than ever to navigate. I feel how distinctly my part is NOT to attempt control. How in this I must BE submissive in a way I never understood until Now. Sometimes I just canNOT help myself. I want to get in and fiddle with things, like if I just DO this or that one thing, everything will change.

I may have people lying to me, but since I don't really know the truth, I can't be sure.   [Sue Grafton, C is for Corpse]

Ahhhhhhh…


I love you, Currie

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

7 April 2015


But love wasn't about sacrifice, and it wasn't about falling short of someone's expectations. By definition, love made you better than good enough; it redefined perfection to include your traits, instead of excluding them. All any of us wanted, really, was to know that we counted. That someone else's life would not have been as rich without us here.   [Jodi Picoult, Handle with Care]

My mind’s been wandering lately. Sometimes I wish it wouldn’t go where it goes, but mostly I try to trust it goes where it needs to go.

I like learning about how we each and all affect NOT only ourselves but also those in our lives and Worlds. Seeing these things more clearly Now is part of the package I suppose.

If I have gained anything over these months, it is the knowledge there is no starting over- only living with the mistakes you've made.   [Jodi Picoult, Perfect Match]

No greater truth than that. We play at DO-overs and bravely live with what we’re given, yet we seem to take far too long to understand that our mistakes, all the times we said “OOPS!” and even the times we sort of went to sleep in the middle of a great lesson were EXACTLY as they should BE.

It’s BEcoming easier. More natural and okay.


I love you, Currie

Monday, April 6, 2015

6 April 2015


This is the most profound spiritual truth I know: that even when we're most sure that love can't conquer all, it seems to anyway. It goes down into the rat hole with us, in the guise of our friends, and there it swells and comforts. It gives us second winds, third winds, hundredth winds.   [ Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith]

I don’t want to BE a whiner. I think it was remarkably good planning to leave me on my own to travel this path of living with cancer, and, more exactly, to make my own peace with it and all it touches.

So how, then, can I really learn to “hold” the “bad days” and NOT get pissy when I feel crankish and sore?! I don’t know.

But this I DO know: friends, their kindnesses, their willingness to DO something helpful, and their simply showing up in the myriad ways friends can works like a dream.

When I have a string of days where I feel like a noodle-body, touchy and tender, and quite “unfit to print,” I’m less likely to isolate than to quickly reach out for something BEyond my grasp. It’s NOT easy to DO this, but easy isn’t even the point.

I know only a little. That’s comforting. I know what matters.


I love you, Currie

Sunday, April 5, 2015

5 April 2015


Ester asked why people are sad.
"That’s simple," says the old man. "They are the prisoners of their personal history. Everyone believes that the main aim in life is to follow a plan. They never ask if that plan is theirs or if it was created by another person. They accumulate experiences, memories, things, other people's ideas, and it is more than they can possibly cope with. And that is why they forget their dreams.”
   [Paulo Coelho, The Zahir]

This gives me pause. BEing a prisoner of one’s history… Don’t we all sometimes wake up in the middle of living our Life?! Wondering how we got HERE wherever HERE might BE at that particular moment?!

When you're young, you think everything you do is disposable. You move from now to now, crumpling time up in your hands, tossing it away. You're your own speeding car. You think you can get rid of things, and people too—leave them behind. You don't yet know about the habit they have, of coming back.
Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been.
  [Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin]

As I’ve sifted and sorted, readying my art to go into the World, I realise how much Time I’ve taken for granted, and little thought I’ve given it.


I love you, Currie

Saturday, April 4, 2015

4 April 2015


The things that brought me the most comfort now were too small to list. Raspberries in cream. Sparrows with cocked heads. Shadows of bare limbs making for sidewalk filigrees. Roses past their prime with their petals loose about them. The shouts of children at play in the neighborhood, Ginger Rogers on the black-and-white screen.   [Elizabeth Berg, The Year of Pleasures]

I used to BElieve that comfort was BEyond my reach. I figured out, early on in Life, that neither this World, nor the “people in charge” really gave a fig about my comfort. And I have to say, this often made me act less than caring, and even unkind.

Now it’s all different. Of course. How could it BE otherwise?!

It seems like all the time people are making themselves themselves, but they don't really know it. You can only have true visions when you look behind. A person can slide so fast into being something they never really intended. I wonder if you can truly resurrect your own self.   [Elizabeth Berg]

It seems to me that I am making “more” of everything. NOT mountains out of mole hills “more,” rather the sensible “more.” I know that Life unfolds at its own pace, and I understand some of the yet-to-unfold pieces over which I have no sway.

None.


I love you, Currie

Friday, April 3, 2015

3 April 2015


The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud --- the obstacles of life and its suffering. ... The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. ... Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death. If we are to strive as human beings to gain more wisdom, more kindness and more compassion, we must have the intention to grow as a lotus and open each petal one by one.    [Goldie Hawn]

Intention is essential. Sometimes I forget that altogether. I forget that I am still BEing and yes, even striving.

MR. BROWNE'S SEPTEMBER PRECEPT: WHEN GIVEN THE CHOICE BETWEEN BEING RIGHT OR BEING KIND, CHOOSE KIND.   [R.J. Palacio, Wonder]

There are many sayings and notions along these lines. I like that it’s always, truly, my choice. And though I used to think BEing Right was the only option in many cases, I’ve come to love BEing NOT Right, BEing openminded, and BEing able to step out of the LIGHT shining on someone else.

And I don’t mind BEing wrong.


I love you, Currie

Thursday, April 2, 2015

2 April 2015


Love your neighbor, even the ones who do not show you the same courtesy. You can’t expect to receive love if you’re selective and not really willing to give it. What you put into the world, you will indeed get back, even if it’s not from the person you’re expecting it to be.   [Alexandra Elle, Words from a Wanderer]

Cancer is teaching me daily how little I know. How much I skate. How hard it is for me to DO the sorts of things that I BElieve matter “most” or at least more than pretty much anything else. I guess that’s all okay though. I DO love learning and I shall only EVER know such a small bit of all there is…

Readying my art, much of it several years old Now, has been such a BEautimous adventure. So, okay, TOO many times I thought it enough just to make it. I came to wonder if I shouldn’t just leave it as is, until the day I realised what giving my art, all of it, to Hospice of the Valley actually means to me.

So much of my wrongheadedness and cornfuzzlement rise out of my thinking I know what I am DOing.

Truth?! I don’t. I just follow that red bouncing ball is all.

And I’m loving it.


I love you, Currie

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

1 April 2015


And that is just the point... how the world, moist and beautiful, calls to each of us to make a new and serious response. That's the big question, the one the world throws at you every morning. "Here you are, alive. Would you like to make a comment?” [Mary Oliver]

The writings of Mary Oliver have the capacity to unDO and deLIGHT me. I hear my own voice, the one that chatters on when I am by myself, each time I read her work.

So here I am, alive and ready to BE April’s #1 Fool. Writing, here, or communicating some one of the other amazing ways we humans in 2015 get to, there’s where you’ll find my comment.

Today it is this: Life is Good. It’s also messy and puzzling and often annoying, but YES YES YES, Life Is Good!!

A dog comes to you and lives with you in your own house, but you do not therefore own her, as you do not own the rain, or the trees, or the laws which pertain to them...
A dog can never tell you what she knows from the smells of the world, but you know, watching her, that you know almost nothing...
   [Mary Oliver]

10 years of living with Gracie have given me such glorious ignorance.


I love you, Currie

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

31 March 2015


When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.   [John Green, Paper Towns]

These past 8 years of writing Gratitude have taught me so much more than I can even fathom. I’ve learned there is Hope out there, wherever this little writing goes. I’ve “met” and “got to know well” many people whose voices I’ve never heard, NOT to mention I’d likely NOT know them if we bumped into each other. Literally.

I used to wonder, in the early years of this Practise, why the “backstory” or “details” of the people sharing was such a curiosity to me. I made stories up and assigned details as though I were the great and powerful Oz.

Eventually, I started to “know” people and stories and was present-tense as details continued unfolding in their lives as well my own. It’s been a remarkable thing, perhaps the most remarkable thing in my Life and World, this little Practise and all of YOU and THEM who touch my Life in myriad ways. Daily.

Light In. Light out.


I love you, Currie

Monday, March 30, 2015

30 March 2015


Jealousy always has been my cross, the weakness and woundedness in me that has most often caused me to feel ugly and unlovable, like the Bad Seed. I’ve had many years of recovery and therapy, years filled with intimate and devoted friendships, yet I still struggle. I know that when someone gets a big slice of pie, it doesn’t mean there’s less for me. In fact, I know that there isn’t even a pie, that there’s plenty to go around, enough food and love and air.
But I don’t believe it for a second.
I secretly believe there’s a pie. I will go to my grave brandishing my fork.
    [Anne Lamott, Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith]

I’ve thought a LOT like this, and yet I am no longer brandishing anything. I’m relaxing my grip. I am realising that when I have had something so wrong as a BElief, perhaps the only thing needed is to Let It Go.

And don’t pick it up again!!!

These are the words I want on my gravestone: that I was a helper, and that I danced.   [Anne Lamott, Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith]

That sounds spectaculicious to me, too. I’d prefer BEing an Encourager, and that I danced. And laughed. And lived right up til the very last bit of The End.


I love you, Currie

Sunday, March 29, 2015

29 March 2015


For all it's problems and difficulties, life is mostly a wonderful experience, and it is up to each person to make the most of each day. I hope you are successful in your life, but look to the heavens and the earth and especially to other people to find your real wealth. Wherever I am, wherever you go, know that my love goes with you.   [Elizabeth Berg, Dream When You're Feeling Blue]

I agree. Now. Can’t say I did until really recently. I’d often fall back on the idea of This Now BEing a sort of rehearsal for The Real Now.

I’ve been “nesting” or some would say “sorting” mayBE even “clearing” my Life of the unnecessary. I have been preparing my art to give to hospice. For whatever they can and want to DO with it. It feels extraordinary, although it is much more of an energy “draining” thing than I’d imagined.

Wherever I am, wherever you go, know that my love goes with you…

Yes, this is what I want to say. Or what I hope “YOU” hear. This Now is all there ever is. It might NOT seem to make sense to you Now, you might feel quite the opposite or something even I canNOT imagine.

No matter what, know: my love goes with you…


I love you, Currie

Friday, March 27, 2015

27 March 2015


As Sidda joined Vivi in staring out into the darkness of the fields, where hundreds of sunflowers grew, she thought: I will never fully know my mother, any more than I will ever know my father or Connor, or myself. I have been missing the point. The point is not knowing another person, or learning to love another person. The point is simply this: how tender can we bear to be? What good manners can we show as we welcome ourselves and others into our hearts?   [Rebecca Wells, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood]

Tenderness is such a quiet thing. It often catches me by surprise. The feeling comes like waking from a deep deep sleep. It washes away the mud and the muck through which I so long saw Life and the people in it.

The matter of good manners has never quite rung true for me. I don’t know if that would make sense to anyone else, but at least I understand.

Yesterday I had yet another amazing visit with the chaplain from hospice. With him I am fearless. I will go where I’ve dared NOT go, all the while knowing I am safe. And never, really EVER, have I been alone.

I’ve missed the point, too. BEing tender is NOT silly. It’s actually BEing real.


I love you, Currie

Thursday, March 26, 2015

26 March 2015


Some things I cannot change, but 'til I try I'll never know.   [Stephen Schwartz, Wicked: The Complete Book and Lyrics of the Broadway Musical]

I’m comfortable with knowing the difference BEtween those things I CAN and those I canNOT change. Despite that, I find myself open to trying things, things that may by themselves seem inconsequential, yet gathered together and considered again, can make all the difference I never imagined could BE different.

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn. 
And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return.
 
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you...
   [Stephen Schwartz, Wicked: The Complete Book and Lyrics of the Broadway Musical]

There are so many people, over my Life’s Time, who come to mind [and heart] when I hear these words. It isn’t always a happy thought, but there’s always JOY in the remembering.

People, it seems, really DO need people, for so many reasons we’ll never BE able to put our fingers on… We aren’t here, together, BEcause someone got it all wrong; we’re here and together BEcause we need each other.


I love you, Currie

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

25 March 2015


I trust so much in the power of the heart and the soul; I know that the answer to what we need to do next is in our own hearts. All we have to do is listen, then take that one step further and trust what we hear. We will be taught what we need to learn.   [Melody Beattie]

I’ve battled against this realisation. I still find myself insistent that I don’t know or canNOT DO whatever it is I think or even just imagine I must DO. It seems a pretty risky way to BE, Now that I see it there.

Recently I’ve been feeling the need to organise, let go of, and put things in the sort of order others can understand. I’ve simplified myself and my stuff little by slowly these last several years, yet it seems essential to remember this is NOT a one-size-fits-all.

A man went to Istanbul, his first visit there. On his way to a business meeting, this man lost his way. He began raging at himself for getting lost, until a realization allowed him to transcend his ire. "How can I be lost? I've never been here before? “  [Melody Beattie, The Lessons of Love: Rediscovering Our Passion for Live When It All Seems Too Hard to Take]

I know…


I love you, Currie

Monday, March 23, 2015

23 March 2015


Don't you worry if everything seems so difficult right now. They will get better, just give it a try. Don't be too harsh on yourself if you seem to be trying & trying but nothing seems to be changing. Don't be annoyed by the multitudes of flaws that surround you. Don't seek perfection - you will never attain it. Instead, thrive for betterment, taking each day as a new step. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.   [Kapil Ramdass]

Sometimes I worry so much. I worry that I try too hard. That I want more from myself than I am capable of giving. And then in the midst of all this “Worry-Currie” BEing, I remember something.

It is NOT what I accomplish, what I DO, or even what I finish. It is enough that I keep living Today. Keep giving Life all I’ve got to give.

For a writer, life is always too short to write. I will just try my best during what remains of my life.   [Yu Cao]

This says so much of what I’m grappling with these days. I keep thinking that I have to DO more and I must Finish Things I start. I have to put things in order. Leave BEhind me some sense of where I am/was.


I love you, Currie

Friday, March 20, 2015

20 March 2015


One swing set, well worn but structurally sound, seeks new home. Make memories with your kid or kids so that someday he or she or they will look into the backyard and feel the ache of sentimentality as desperately as I did this afternoon. It's all fragile and fleeting, dear reader, but with this swing set, your child(ren) will be introduced to the ups and downs of human life gently and safely, and may also learn the most important lesson of all: No matter how hard you kick, no matter how high you get, you can't go all the way around.   [John Green, The Fault in Our Stars]

Life is peculious. I’m noticing this more Now that Mum is gone. Everyone has a litany of complaints and side commentaries. Things that annoy us are pretty much universal. And we carry on, all of us, as though Time will BE forever and the offenders and annoyances are mere distractions.

Distractions of our own choosing, I might add. We’re NOT victims, any of us. NOT really, but that is like the so many other things we’ll eventually need to let go of in Life.

It is true that we canNOT take anything with us come The End. We canNOT even BE sure of what happens to all we leave BEhind.


I love you, Currie

Thursday, March 19, 2015

19 March 2015


You can listen to silence, Reuven. I've begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own. It talks to me sometimes. I feel myself alive in it. It talks. And I can hear it. You have to want to listen to it, and then you can hear it. It has a strange, beautiful texture. It doesn't always talk. Sometimes - sometimes it cries, and you can hear the pain of the world in it. It hurts to listen to it then. But you have to.   [Chaim Potok, The Chosen]

Daily I learn to listen. Daily I learn to love the sweetnesses of Quiet, Silence, and Pausing.

I used to BE someone who didn’t know how to BE quiet. How to wait. How to hear what is important. And I often tuned people out. Is it any wonder that so late in Life I discover something I thought I disliked is actually my preference?!

Music is a total constant…  a song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place, or even a person. No matter what else has changed in your or the world, that one song says the same, just like that moment.   [Sarah Dessen, Just Listen]

This is utterly true.


I love you, Currie

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

18 March 2015


All any of us wanted, really, was to know that we counted. That someone else's life would not have been as rich without us here.   [Jodi Picoult, Handle with Care]

I wonder if it really is that simple. Many of the conversations I have had all throughout my Life have been about making a difference. Sometimes it was a person who made it. Others the Time or Place in which things happened.

For years Now I have wanted to BE of Service. I feel drawn to this notion that my BEing Here and Now are for a purpose. And yet so many of my days are just quietly inconsequential. I think that when my Light goes out, the worst thing will BE that I canNOT make any difference anymore.

What if it turns out that a life isn’t defined by who you belong to or where you came from, by what you wished for or whom you’ve lost, but instead by the moments you spend getting from each of these places to the next?    [Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts]

Playing What If?! is one of my favourite pasttimes. Trying to turn my head round and tilt it so I can see what I couldn’t until Just This Moment. So much of the time, I think that’s all Life is…


I love you, Currie

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

17 March 2015


I hadn't realized how much I'd been needing to meet someone I might be able to say everything to.   [Elizabeth Berg, Talk Before Sleep]

I’ve learned so much about what I need that I often wonder how I managed BEfore knowing this. And I suppose that explains a LOT of my unhappiness with Life, too. Having someone who I can say EVERYthing to, who doesn’t laugh, roll their eyes, or seem fidgety and impatient, this is NOT something I have really had.

And yet, cancer is teaching me far more about my needs and somedays I can actually see things from an entirely new perspective.

I will come back as a little breeze. You will feel me on your face, and you will know that I am still listening. So you can still talk to me.   [Elizabeth Berg, Talk Before Sleep]

This describes what I think I have always BElieved. A person dies, or mayBE just is disappeared from my Life, [far more common in my experience] and I still feel him or her, just BEyond the shadow round the corner.

Sometimes my writing is my someone. Which I suppose would make YOU my someone by extension. Hmmmmmmm…

Sometimes it seems like a little moment brings a whole world with it.   [Elizabeth Berg, True to Form]

Well said.


I love you, Currie

Monday, March 16, 2015

16 March 2015


It is not that I'm so smart. But I stay with the questions much longer.   [Albert Einstein]

This is key, I BElieve. Somehow or other, despite NOT learning from DOing it, I’ll find myself answering too quickly. BEing uncomfortable holding tight and waiting and seeing.

I have so many things that spark my curiosity. So much so that I often chase rabbits down their little holes BEfore I see the predicament I’ve got into.

Pain is a pesky part of being human, I've learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can't be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.   [C. JoyBell C.]

It’s a funny thing, the way things unfold and BEcome whatever they are. Even the “bad” stuff holds me in awe of its infinite possibilities.


I love you, Currie

Friday, March 13, 2015

13 March 2015


When it's new and important, you have to rest in between times. And anyway, even when I like a person there is a weariness that comes. I can be with someone and everything is fine and then all of a sudden it can wash over me like a sickness, that I need the quiet of my own self. I need to unload my head and look at what I've got in there so far. See it. Think what it means. I always need to come back to being alone for a while.   [Elizabeth Berg, Joy School]

The thing is, I need to “come back to BEing alone” for little and long whiles. I didn’t always understand this need. Didn’t even want to admit it to myself, much less anyone else.

Now the spaces of BEing alone feel different to me. It’s NOT about someone else or BEing with someone else. It’s about learning to BE myself with myself. Learning to listen and to share my own truths.

But it seemed to me that this was the way we all lived: full to the brim with gratitude and joy one day, wrecked on the rocks the next. Finding the balance between the two was the art and the salvation.   [Elizabeth Berg, The Year of Pleasures]

Life is a dance…


I love you, Currie

Thursday, March 12, 2015

12 March 2015


Everyone thinks you make mistakes when you're young. But I don't think we make any fewer when we're grown up.   [Jodi Picoult]

I thrive on making mistakes. Some of them are actually rather fun, yet all of them are great teachers. And nowadays, making mistakes is more real than ever. At least for me. If I spend more energy than is in my tank, so to speak, I have all that time of refreshing the batteries to look for the lessons and gifts of DOing More than I presently can.

Sometimes, when you don't ask questions, it's not because you are afraid that someone will lie to your face. It's because you're afraid they'll tell you the truth.   [ Jodi Picoult]

I’ve noticed this reluctance in me anymore round listening to the stuff and nonsense others preach, shout, and point out as “dangerous” or “wrong” for me. I’ve been like that to others too much to NOT see straight through it.

And still, I deeply value those brave souls who tell me when I look really tired. When they give me a way back in when I’ve gone outside myself, that is priceless.

Extraordinary things are always hiding in places people never think to look.   [Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper]

I think they always show themselves. Almost always…


I love you, Currie 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

10 March 2015


You can’t replace people you love with other people…But you can trust that you’re not going to run out of people to love.   [Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams]

I don’t mind letting you in on this little piece/peace of my mind. I’ve learned more about what Love really is since the moment I BEgan to BE Mum’s caregiver. Of course, this bit of the Journey has taught me so very much and opened my eyes, ears, and heart to a World BEyond any I’d imagined.

There is a slowness to my capacity for DOing. I’m always reaching for the place that doesn’t judge, label, or critique. I am learning, like a blind person learns, to feel and navigate my World Now. Somehow there is so much more space Here with Mum gone.

Remember how we use to pray to get invited to birthday parties? And they only asked us because we were so grateful we'd do anything, stay late and help the mothers wash the cake pans. I'm still that girl, flattered to death if somebody wants me around.   [Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams]

Somedays, well, somedays I feel just like that. I want to BE a part of things. I want to BE connected. I want to reconnect. I’m still unsure of it all, but I DO love it…


I love you, Currie

Sunday, March 8, 2015

8 March 2015


Bravest thing about people is how they go on loving mortal beings after finding out there's such a thing as dying.   [Anne Tyler, The Tin Can Tree]

I’ve been quiet this past while. I’ve been thinkingandfeeling, resting, reflecting, and I’ve been listening to God and trusting the way Life is playing itself out. I’ve been colouring and drawing and watching Downton Abbey from the very first to the very lastest “chapter” yet again…

I understand Now why we’re always advised to take our Time after a loss to make BIG decisions. I’ve been wondering if I should just STOP this writing, if it would matter?! I canNOT answer most of my questions, but there are a few I’ve started to make sense of.

I‘ve decided to stay where I am, despite the awesome invitation of my brother and sister-in-love to come live in their home in Atlanta. It took a couple of weeks and several really deep conversations to come to this place, but once I arrived I knew I was/am Home.

I have decided to BE. In deciding that, I’ve concurrently chosen BEing over DOing, thus the lulls from me, the dropped ropes of conversation…

I’m still here. I still love you. I’m surely thinking of you, though you might NOT have heard from me in awhile…


I love you, Currie

Thursday, February 26, 2015

26 February 2015


Have you ever heard the wonderful silence just before the dawn? Or the quiet and calm just as a storm ends? Or perhaps you know the silence when you haven't the answer to a question you've been asked, or the hush of a country road at night, or the expectant pause of a room full of people when someone is just about to speak, or, most beautiful of all, the moment after the door closes and you're alone in the whole house? Each one is different, you know, and all very beautiful if you listen carefully.   [Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth]

There are many sorts of Quiet. I’m making a study of this. It requires a lot of listening to really know The Quiet. I’m remarkably good at this I’ve discovered.

Time is a gift, given to you, given to give you the time you need, the time you need to have the time of your life.    [Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth]

I’ve wondered at this business, Time, and having Enough of it. I think I’ve learnt there’s always been and always is and always will BE Enough. I canNOT sort it out to adequately explain HOW it works, but I know it does and has and will.

Life is curiously imperfect and BEautimous, y’know?!  It really is.


I love you, Currie

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

24 February 2015


Writing and reading decrease our sense of isolation. They deepen and widen and expand our sense of life: they feed the soul. When writers make us shake our heads with the exactness of their prose and their truths, and even make us laugh about ourselves or life, our buoyancy is restored. We are given a shot at dancing with, or at least clapping along with, the absurdity of life, instead of being squashed by it over and over again. It's like singing on a boat during a terrible storm at sea. You can't stop the raging storm, but singing can change the hearts and spirits of the people who are together on that ship.   [Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life]

I feel awkward writing. I feel like someone moved the keys around and it’s always a risk to hit one or another and discover they are NOT what I’d expected.

So, I have been “reading” more. NOT books, but stories told in movies or even television series. My eyes are still wonky from chemo, so this form of “reading” works for me.

I am spending this Time wisely, I think. I am BEing gentle and even a bit indulgent. I am letting myself off the hook of Expectation.

I am recharging my Spirit.


I love you, Currie

Monday, February 23, 2015

23 February 2015


That’s what happens in our hearts. The holes do not disappear, but scar tissue grows and becomes part of who we are. The same takes place in nature. As the famous Spanish architect Antoni Gaudi observed, 'There are no straight lines or sharp corners in nature.' The most stable structures in nature— like trees or spiderwebs— have angular and curved lines. As our hearts grow larger, and we learn that scar tissue is not so ugly after all, we accommodate what we had thought would be unendurable. And we realize that the wisdom we have gained would not have been possible without the losses we have known, even those that seemed impossible to bear.   [Daniel Gottlieb, The Wisdom We're Born with: Restoring Our Faith in Ourselves]

Just the other day it dawned on me that I’d NOT found my word for 2015. I suppose this is largely due to NOT having looked ahead; my usual reflective Time in December and January were taken up with BEing in each moment caring for Mum.

I don’t think of Time the same way Now. Still, somewhere deeper inside of me I was considering and BEing thoughty.

Resilience came knocking the other day. I recognised it straightaway as my point, my purpose, mayBE even my intent for 2015.

I am listening. Deeply.


I love you, Currie