Monday, February 25, 2013

Currie's Gratitude 25 February 2013

I BElieve this. 

So often, no matter the consequence, I have held onto something simply BEcause asking for it out loud was simply too terrifying to imagine. 

As long as I could hold onto it, keep it inside me, EVERYthing was still possible.

And yet this is no way to LIVE a Life.

It is NOT even a way of BEing that has potential.

It is like BEcoming frozen in Time.

It is, in a way, a little death.

What happens when the door is thrown open and the request goes flying out into the World, well, it’s Now BEyond my control. 

Though I haven’t the desire to Control The Universe I once wanted with all of me, I still tremble at the vulnerability of Hoping for YES! and despair of the rollercoaster ride that is, for me, the unDOing of a NOT YES!

And while all of this sounds rather grim and desolate, actually “touching” it is giving me some remarkable sort of Freedom, the likes of which I haven’t experienced up until Now.

On “this end,” of receiving a request, where I say YES! or NOT YES! the territory is a little more forgiving. 

I think it’s BEcause I haven’t really had so much experience with it.

Which is a giraffe of an entirely different colour…

I love you, Currie


Ginger Davis Allman (The Blue Bottle Tree) said...

So often in your gratitudes, you hit on something that I'm also working out. Just like you, I have always held my wishes inside of me, so afraid that if I actually spoke them then the universe would turn on a dime and focus on me and yell at me "NO, you can NOT have that!!" As long as I keep it unspoken, there is still hope.

Of course the adult in me sees that this stems from a childhood where I had no choices and was shamed for having needs and wants. And that led me to a marriage that was so destructive that after 10 years I ceased to even have wishes and wants, even for simple things like what do you want for dessert.

I have choices now. And I have the ability to make my wishes come true. And I'm currently on the cusp of some very good things and it scares me. I struggle with the fear of it all falling apart just because I dare to WANT it.

Interesting stuff. Thank you.

Anke Martin said...

Thank you for the inspiration :)))) Smiles to you :))))

xoxoxoxo Anke :))))