I BElieve this.
So often, no matter the consequence, I have
held onto something simply BEcause asking for it out loud was simply too
terrifying to imagine.
As long as I could hold onto it, keep it inside me, EVERYthing
was still possible.
And yet this is no way to LIVE a Life.
It is NOT even a way of BEing that has potential.
It is like BEcoming frozen in Time.
It is, in a way, a little death.
What happens when the door is thrown open and the request
goes flying out into the World, well, it’s Now BEyond my control.
Though I
haven’t the desire to Control The Universe I once wanted with all of me, I
still tremble at the vulnerability of Hoping for YES! and despair of the
rollercoaster ride that is, for me, the unDOing of a NOT YES!
And while all of this sounds rather grim and desolate,
actually “touching” it is giving me some remarkable sort of Freedom, the likes
of which I haven’t experienced up until Now.
On “this end,” of receiving a request, where I say YES! or NOT YES! the territory is a little
more forgiving.
I think it’s BEcause I haven’t really had so much experience
with it.
Which is a giraffe of an entirely different colour…
I love you, Currie
2 comments:
So often in your gratitudes, you hit on something that I'm also working out. Just like you, I have always held my wishes inside of me, so afraid that if I actually spoke them then the universe would turn on a dime and focus on me and yell at me "NO, you can NOT have that!!" As long as I keep it unspoken, there is still hope.
Of course the adult in me sees that this stems from a childhood where I had no choices and was shamed for having needs and wants. And that led me to a marriage that was so destructive that after 10 years I ceased to even have wishes and wants, even for simple things like what do you want for dessert.
I have choices now. And I have the ability to make my wishes come true. And I'm currently on the cusp of some very good things and it scares me. I struggle with the fear of it all falling apart just because I dare to WANT it.
Interesting stuff. Thank you.
Thank you for the inspiration :)))) Smiles to you :))))
xoxoxoxo Anke :))))
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