In bullfighting there is an interesting parallel to the pause as a place of refuge and renewal. It is believed that in the midst of a fight, a bull can find his own particular area of safety in the arena. There he can reclaim his strength and power. This place and inner state are called his querencia. As long as the bull remains enraged and reactive, the matador is in charge. Yet when he finds his querencia, he gathers his strength and loses his fear. From the matador's perspective, at this point the bull is truly dangerous, for he has tapped into his power. [Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha]
It’s unnerving to consider myself like a bull, but there you go. Sometimes Life plays itself out just that way…
I DO know I have a strong tendency to BE in a reactive state, especially when I am hurt or angry. It is like I can feel there is no light switch in me. ON with no hope for OFF.
Lately I have discovered another “gear” or place BEtween ON and OFF. It is quiet. And while I may BE unsure of myself here, I am at least NOT “under the influence” of whatever is outside of me. That is key.
I love you, Currie