Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Currie's Gratitude 20 August 2014

And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore.    [Anne Lamott, Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year]

I’m in a very strange-to-me place. I’m sure it’s the chemo, but after a time I sort of lost touch with the edges of me. I find day and night interchangeable and the only difference I can grasp is how bright the daylight seems…

I understand about side effects and the weird-ass way that they parade, but I am tired of feeling that even the thought of certain things is enough to make me need to lie down and hold onto something. It feels a little like my auto-pilot brain is navigating through a swampland.

And then, I realise that this may well BE my intended Experience.

So I try to keep holding on by just NOT letting go. No. Matter. What.

No one promised it would BE easy.

I love you, Currie


Carol said...

Your art is very expressive of your feelings today. Hugs my friend.

Rita said...

Never give up. Even when it feels like there is only a thin thread to grasp on to. Yes! Never give up. *hugs*